The Next Chapter

Two months ago I found myself at a crossroads. After the kids outgrew having a nanny, I had to move on from a job I have had for the past 4 years, that I have loved every moment of (Luckily, I am still very close to them all and get to enjoy continuing to be a part of their family.). I was, of course, searching for a new family to nanny for, since I enjoy it so much the last time around. While I was job hunting, I came across the newsletter for a local metaphysical store with an advertisement in it stating that they were looking for a bilingual intuitive. As most of you know, I am bilingual, and I am also an intuitive. I had not done readings for people outside of friends and family, however I did get readings for people when I was doing energy work on them at different Reiki circles. I decided to go interview, just to see if I could do it. What can I say, I enjoy throwing myself out of my comfort zone. 

I not only nailed my interview (which included readings in both languages, as well as healings), but I ended up receiving a job offer from them. I began to get in my own way since I was not used to getting paid on a commission basis. I was used to a guaranteed paycheck every week. At the same time an offer came in for a nanny job. The hours, the pay and the family all seemed great. Once I took the job, everything changed. The family was still great, but the hours were longer and the pay was less. The job ended up being at least 80% academic, and that is not my forte. If it was, I would not be trying to get through my associates degree at the age of 32. 

These girls were stressed out and there was nothing I could do to help them, or make things any easier on them. I felt as though, I could not properly do my job. I was simply not the right fit for them. As I was wrestling with all of this I kept feeling a pull toward the job as a bilingual intuitive . So, I put in my notice, and decided to head over and have a talk with the manager. We had set everything up for me to begin working in two weeks so that my two weeks notice could play out. Right after I left I received a call from the family and they told me they would rather me not come back because it would be hard on the children. So, I agreed, called the manager back, and started at the metaphysical store that Thursday. There was still a little bit of anxiety there, but the message I kept getting in readings and meditation was to not worry, that the Universe was supporting me in this journey. So I decided to  take that attitude with me into this new chapter. 

I know that this is going to take me closer to where I am supposed to be. There is a lot of freedom and flexibility in the metaphysical world. The possibilities are endless. It's time for me to take flight into the next chapter of this incredible journey.

Forming New Habits

I’ve been working with coach, and he has given me some great advice. I have been texting him what I eat and he helps me tweak it, here and there so I can form better habits. I have cut back drastically on cheese. I always loved cheese and put it on everything. I’ve learned it was all in my head. Every once in a while is fine, but on the normal day to day, I have found it’s not that hard to go without it.

The challenge is going to be in the fact that I am a picky eater. I don’t like tomatoes or peppers. I can eat salads, but I am rarely very fond of them. I am, also, still struggling with making the time to cook something. Yesterday, I only ate twice and the second time I was on the go. Busy days make it a little tougher sometimes. Trying to decide what the best choice is when you are on the go, then getting distracted by life, I will forget to eat and end up missing a meal all together causing me to start the process all over, again, only too hungry to care if it is a great decision. I am, however, allowing the process. I cut myself a little slack because I am learning. This is all new to me. Mistakes are something to learn from, not beat yourself up over. The latter only leads to a negative experience, then you just feel bad about yourself and are more prone to give up. If you slip up, you slip up, that doesn’t mean start over on Monday, that means go ahead and try, again for your next meal. Eventually, I will have better habits. Heck they are already better than they were a month ago. I am confident that, in time, I will get the hang of it.

Moving Forward

 In getting myself active and out there, I have found my way to a place called Thunder Kickboxing. It felt like family from the first time I stepped foot into the gym. That is how I knew this was the right place for me. I like that, with kickboxing, I can pace myself. As I get the hang of the technique, I begin to push myself more. The stronger I get, the more I can push myself, there is no limit to how far it can take me. The environment is a positive, fun, loving, light hearted one. My kickboxing coaches have become my life coaches and dear friends. Coach Eddie is currently working on becoming a nutritionist, and I am one of the lucky ones reaping the benefits. He’s learning a lot and he’s going to help me retrain myself on how to eat and shop for a healthier lifestyle. Apparently, I am going to have to start cooking. Which, for those of you who know me probably know that, I am a little resistant to cooking for one outside of a microwave. I am all about quick, easy and inexpensive. I know that is going to have to change, but I have no idea what to change it to, that is when the universe decided it was time to bring Thunder Kickboxing in to aid in my growth. Which is nothing short of miraculous, because I am pretty clueless when it comes to this stuff. 

Taking My Life Back

I have spent the last few years taking my power back and taking my life back. There’s a handful of you that have seen it all happen. You saw who I was in school. You saw me struggle after graduation to make everyone else happy trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be. You saw me hit rock bottom. You witnessed my first bad accident and got to see first hand the emotional and physical turmoil it caused. I bounced back too fast and it took it’s toll. I gave up on myself. Little by little I let go of everything I loved to strive to be who everyone wanted me to be. I was told that I shouldn’t be on stage. The dancing, the singing, the acting. I was told I shouldn’t be doing it with the way I look. I was embarrassing myself as well as those I was associated with. Eventually, I heeded the advice and I stopped. I limited myself to singing and dancing in my room when no one was home. I believed that making myself happy would cause those around me to suffer, so I chose to suffer so those around me could be happy. 

Eventually, I realized I couldn’t make them happy. When I finally got my first apartment, I was alone, in a great way. There was no one telling me what to do or who to be. For the first time, I got to figure who I was. Considering this was at the age of 27, I was a little behind. Since I wasn’t capable of a relationship, I threw myself into local bands. Music was always a great escape for me. It touches my soul like nothing else has ever been able to. I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me, and it was cool. People that I considered my dear friends were up on stage at all of these venues expressing the music within them in a way I could only dream of doing, and I did, I dreamt of it often. I had long given up on myself and began to throw myself into everyone else’s dreams. I was the biggest fan. To some that was all I ever was, however there were a handful that remain in my life to this day, and for them I am truly grateful. 

After moving back to Georgia, I experienced a whole new kind of alone. I came here with a certain agenda and certain expectations, but they did not play out the way I thought they would at all. I lost my entire circle of friends within the first few months. It was a very confusing situation that I still don’t totally understand, but it was a blessing disguise. It freed me up to build a whole new life here. A life better than anything I could have imagined with a new fantastic group of chosen family or soul sisters and brothers. I hit a few rough patches getting everything together, but once I got settled in, it just kept getting better and better. I started getting monthly massages about 3 years ago. It was exactly what I needed. You see when I gave up on myself, I gave up on everything. The pain from my many accidents haunted me, I quit trying to work through the pain and just gave into it. Even though I still deal with pain, it is nothing like it was and I am finally in a place where I am getting mobile, again. I just started kickboxing last month and I am loving it. I am surprising myself with what I can do, and I have found an incredible group of friends there, as well. I am so excited to do more and experience more. I’m looking forward to getting back on stage, again. I’m looking forward to dancing, again, and singing, again. I’m looking forward to earning my badass nickname. 

I wish there was a way I could go back knowing what I know now. I never would have given up in the first place. Giving up made the comeback a rougher road. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn’t change anything. When I get to being the person I am becoming I am going to have one heck of a story to tell.

The Mystery of the Plateau

My first two months on Jenny Craig, I dropped 15 pounds. For the last month or two, I have dropped two pants sizes (maybe more now, my size 20s are getting big on me), but the weight keeps fluctuating a pound or two (up and down) around that 15 pound mark. This baffled me. It made absolutely no sense....until yesterday. I have found not only an incredible support system, but some great friends at my kickboxing gym. I was talking to one of my coaches yesterday about my frustration with dropping inches, but not weight. 

He clarified for me that I had already dropped the weight and my body was now adjusting to it. The skin is pulling itself back in, which is causing the drop in inches. Once it adjusts, more pounds will drop off, and then another plateau will happen so the skin can adjust. That’s why when people lose weight the natural way they don’t have to deal with all of the excess skin. Your body naturally acclimates itself when you let things happen naturally.

It is very important not to beat yourself up or give up on yourself. Focus on feeling better and learning to live a healthier lifestyle. I deny myself nothing. If I want chocolate, I will have chocolate, just not an entire bag. Remember that it is a process. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The point is to be happy. Learn to love yourself as you are. Then you will begin to treat yourself as you would anyone you love. You’ll take care of yourself, spoil yourself, forgive yourself, and realize how beautifully you deserve to be treated. 

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

I gained a pound this week......and last week. I am attempting to keep myself from getting too discouraged. I keep trying to remind myself that this is a learning process. It’s going to take time to get the hang of all of these new habits. Especially being off of the Jenny Food. I have, also, not been feeling well for the past two weeks and was not able to get my workouts in. It’s been mostly emotional, but has led to physical fatigue.

I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately, add studying for finals and memorizing lines on top of that and I am worn out. Emotionally, mentally and physically drained. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to shut down for a few days, and I begin running on auto-pilot so I can get through my tasks for the day. Anything above and beyond what I absolutely have to do doesn’t get done. The TV goes on, the computer goes on and I get taken to a place where I don’t have to worry about anything. My brain doesn’t have to do a lot of functioning. I can just exist for a while. 

Then something, like today, will happen and it wakes me up. I start easing my way out of auto-pilot and preparing to take life on all over, again. It tend to be a process. If I jump too quickly, I get overwhelmed all over, again and end up shutting back down. Yet, another habit I need to figure out how to break.

This in between process can be useful, though. I find myself going within more often. I do more thinking, more writing, and really taking time to figure out what I want to be doing and who I want to be when I come out of this one. What do I want to strive for? It gives me the quiet downtime I need to help me figure out where I want to take my life next. 

So what next, then? Activity. As I found myself becoming a slave to the DVR, I cut out a lot of my shows that are recorded daily. The only ones I kept on there are Ellen and Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Apart from those two, the rest are weekly shows which really don’t take up that much of my time. They are perfect for unwinding at the end of the day. That will give me time to do things I need to do for me, that don’t involve work,school, errands or cleaning the apartment. Fun stuff. Exercise, meditation, dancing, singing, music, playing, writing, reading, etc. All of the things I enjoy doing. It can, also, take some of the stress out of the things I have to do. My jobs are not stressful, so that helps, but school can be. Let’s face it, how enjoyable is doing dishes and scrubbing down the bathroom. 

I find if I take the time for myself, the tough stuff isn’t quite so tough. 

I can already hear it, “Easy for you to say miss single, childless and independent.” It is easy for me to say, or is it? If it wasn’t something I was struggling with I wouldn’t have to blog about it. Being single, childless and independent doesn’t free me of responsibilities, nor does it free of getting too busy or giving what I have for someone else. I grew up with everyone else being more important than me. I had to make everyone happy. Be all things to everyone, and it was never good enough. For a lot of my life I gave and gave, but had a hard time receiving or asking for help. I went completely out of my comfort zone to learn how to take care of myself. It was especially uncomfortable asking for help, but I learned a lot seeing who was actually there when I needed it. At first, I felt as though I was being selfish. Eventually, I began to realize that the more I took care of myself, the better I could help others. If I can allow myself to be the best version of me I can muster up at the moment, I can really make an impact. To be the best me, I have to take care of myself. I have to make time for myself, for my spiritual growth, for improving my activity level, for just being. Sitting in your heart space and allowing yourself to just be, even for a few minutes is a beautiful thing anyone can do for themselves. Feel that divine spark in you. Feel the love and warmth that not only surrounds you, but is within you. Feel how awesome you are. What a beautiful being you are.

All the number on the scale has shown me is that I need to tweak something. There’s no need to get discouraged, just rethink things, or maybe just take a second look. Luckily, I have my Jenny consultant to help guide me. 

I think it’s time for a little Wii Fit :) Gotta start somewhere, and frankly it’s a little cold for this Floridian to be starting anything outdoors. 

Enjoy your weekend :)

Don't Measure Your Worth By the Number on a Scale

Earlier today I posted this cute little cartoon with two little girls staring at a scale when one says to the other “Don’t step on it, it will make you cry.” It was posted with a heart of silliness because I grew up around women who struggled with their weight (as well as mine) and it was all about being skinny. Being skinny meant you were beautiful, and being beautiful meant you would get boyfriends. At least that was what they tried to tell me as they were feeding me a plate of seconds. 

My weight didn’t bother me all that much. As long as I could play, it was just a number. I didn’t have any trouble water skiing, kneeboarding, jet skiing, swimming, running around, playing basketball, playing beach volleyball, dancing, singing, marching, rehearsing for hours on end. As long as I had the energy and stamina to do everything I wanted to do I was fine. As boy crazy as I have always been, I always preferred the relationships that only existed in my mind. The real ones didn’t last very long and it all became a frustrating process. As long as it was all in my head, it was completely under my control. Boyfriends were a pain in the butt, I was better off fat, happy and single. Sure I felt worthless, ugly, dirty, gross, stupid, clumsy, but my weight wasn’t the reason why. It made a good scape goat, but there losing it didn’t fix anything. One summer I was put on Fen Fen. My weight plummeted over those 3 months. I went back to school and everyone was making all of these comments about how great I looked, blah, blah, blah. It meant very little to me. I didn’t feel any different at all. I still felt ugly and unlovable. It wasn’t enough to please who I was trying to please. It didn’t make me a girlie girl. I was just a thinner tomboy. It didn’t change the guys I attracted, either. My guyfriends were great, but outside of them there was really no one worth the trouble of dating. It didn’t change the fact that when I did take a date to an event, I lost him by the end of the night. Heck, even my guyfriends weren’t immune. I lost one of my closest guyfriends to one of those. He felt like crap afterwards and we were never the same.

My point being, skinny does not equal happy. Skinny will not fix all of your problems. If you don’t love and accept your body as it is, you will not love and accept it after you change it. The change has to come from within. 

I have been on a pretty intensive healing journey for the past 4 years. The first thing I had to work on was changing my thought patterns. Learning to love myself was really hard at first. I had been discouraged, for a lot of my life up that point, from thinking I was someone of any value. I had to look in the mirror every day and keep telling my self how beautiful and amazing I am until I believed it. It took years, but about a years ago, for the first time ever, I referred to myself as beautiful and really meant it. By a strange twist of fate, it happened while I was at the heaviest I had ever been. Over the past 4 years I have, not only learned to love myself, but accept myself. The beauty I was able to see in myself was not just in my body, but in my character. I learned to love, accept and appreciate all of me, past experiences included. Sure, they may have hurt then, and some that I haven’t dealt with, yet, may still hurt now, but they all had their place and purpose. I’ve learned to cry, to mourn, to allow myself to feel, and to allow myself to be vulnerable without fear. It has all been life changing. I no longer prefer the relationships in mind to the real thing. I am an affectionate person by nature, and now it is something i don’t hesitate to share. I, also, don’t hesitate to ask for affection if I want it. 

I am surrounded by the most loving, supportive, fun, positive group of people that make it near impossible for me to ever doubt I have value. There are a few haters, but they do not have active rolls in my life. As Aixa always tells me, “if you don’t have any haters than you are doing something wrong.” With that being said, I count everyone as a blessing. Even the haters can forge growth and expansion, but nothing can change your life like love can.

It was the love of life and the love of myself that has led me to the weight loss portion of my journey. All along the way I had begun a process to try to eat healthier, but I had hit a road block and wasn’t really sure where to go from there. I reached out and am getting the help I need to lose the weight and gain the strength and agility back so that I can fully live life, again. 

Loving yourself starts within. When you learn to love yourself, you will be more inclined to take care of yourself.