Taking My Life Back

I have spent the last few years taking my power back and taking my life back. There’s a handful of you that have seen it all happen. You saw who I was in school. You saw me struggle after graduation to make everyone else happy trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be. You saw me hit rock bottom. You witnessed my first bad accident and got to see first hand the emotional and physical turmoil it caused. I bounced back too fast and it took it’s toll. I gave up on myself. Little by little I let go of everything I loved to strive to be who everyone wanted me to be. I was told that I shouldn’t be on stage. The dancing, the singing, the acting. I was told I shouldn’t be doing it with the way I look. I was embarrassing myself as well as those I was associated with. Eventually, I heeded the advice and I stopped. I limited myself to singing and dancing in my room when no one was home. I believed that making myself happy would cause those around me to suffer, so I chose to suffer so those around me could be happy. 

Eventually, I realized I couldn’t make them happy. When I finally got my first apartment, I was alone, in a great way. There was no one telling me what to do or who to be. For the first time, I got to figure who I was. Considering this was at the age of 27, I was a little behind. Since I wasn’t capable of a relationship, I threw myself into local bands. Music was always a great escape for me. It touches my soul like nothing else has ever been able to. I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me, and it was cool. People that I considered my dear friends were up on stage at all of these venues expressing the music within them in a way I could only dream of doing, and I did, I dreamt of it often. I had long given up on myself and began to throw myself into everyone else’s dreams. I was the biggest fan. To some that was all I ever was, however there were a handful that remain in my life to this day, and for them I am truly grateful. 

After moving back to Georgia, I experienced a whole new kind of alone. I came here with a certain agenda and certain expectations, but they did not play out the way I thought they would at all. I lost my entire circle of friends within the first few months. It was a very confusing situation that I still don’t totally understand, but it was a blessing disguise. It freed me up to build a whole new life here. A life better than anything I could have imagined with a new fantastic group of chosen family or soul sisters and brothers. I hit a few rough patches getting everything together, but once I got settled in, it just kept getting better and better. I started getting monthly massages about 3 years ago. It was exactly what I needed. You see when I gave up on myself, I gave up on everything. The pain from my many accidents haunted me, I quit trying to work through the pain and just gave into it. Even though I still deal with pain, it is nothing like it was and I am finally in a place where I am getting mobile, again. I just started kickboxing last month and I am loving it. I am surprising myself with what I can do, and I have found an incredible group of friends there, as well. I am so excited to do more and experience more. I’m looking forward to getting back on stage, again. I’m looking forward to dancing, again, and singing, again. I’m looking forward to earning my badass nickname. 

I wish there was a way I could go back knowing what I know now. I never would have given up in the first place. Giving up made the comeback a rougher road. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn’t change anything. When I get to being the person I am becoming I am going to have one heck of a story to tell.