Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

I gained a pound this week......and last week. I am attempting to keep myself from getting too discouraged. I keep trying to remind myself that this is a learning process. It’s going to take time to get the hang of all of these new habits. Especially being off of the Jenny Food. I have, also, not been feeling well for the past two weeks and was not able to get my workouts in. It’s been mostly emotional, but has led to physical fatigue.

I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately, add studying for finals and memorizing lines on top of that and I am worn out. Emotionally, mentally and physically drained. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to shut down for a few days, and I begin running on auto-pilot so I can get through my tasks for the day. Anything above and beyond what I absolutely have to do doesn’t get done. The TV goes on, the computer goes on and I get taken to a place where I don’t have to worry about anything. My brain doesn’t have to do a lot of functioning. I can just exist for a while. 

Then something, like today, will happen and it wakes me up. I start easing my way out of auto-pilot and preparing to take life on all over, again. It tend to be a process. If I jump too quickly, I get overwhelmed all over, again and end up shutting back down. Yet, another habit I need to figure out how to break.

This in between process can be useful, though. I find myself going within more often. I do more thinking, more writing, and really taking time to figure out what I want to be doing and who I want to be when I come out of this one. What do I want to strive for? It gives me the quiet downtime I need to help me figure out where I want to take my life next. 

So what next, then? Activity. As I found myself becoming a slave to the DVR, I cut out a lot of my shows that are recorded daily. The only ones I kept on there are Ellen and Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Apart from those two, the rest are weekly shows which really don’t take up that much of my time. They are perfect for unwinding at the end of the day. That will give me time to do things I need to do for me, that don’t involve work,school, errands or cleaning the apartment. Fun stuff. Exercise, meditation, dancing, singing, music, playing, writing, reading, etc. All of the things I enjoy doing. It can, also, take some of the stress out of the things I have to do. My jobs are not stressful, so that helps, but school can be. Let’s face it, how enjoyable is doing dishes and scrubbing down the bathroom. 

I find if I take the time for myself, the tough stuff isn’t quite so tough. 

I can already hear it, “Easy for you to say miss single, childless and independent.” It is easy for me to say, or is it? If it wasn’t something I was struggling with I wouldn’t have to blog about it. Being single, childless and independent doesn’t free me of responsibilities, nor does it free of getting too busy or giving what I have for someone else. I grew up with everyone else being more important than me. I had to make everyone happy. Be all things to everyone, and it was never good enough. For a lot of my life I gave and gave, but had a hard time receiving or asking for help. I went completely out of my comfort zone to learn how to take care of myself. It was especially uncomfortable asking for help, but I learned a lot seeing who was actually there when I needed it. At first, I felt as though I was being selfish. Eventually, I began to realize that the more I took care of myself, the better I could help others. If I can allow myself to be the best version of me I can muster up at the moment, I can really make an impact. To be the best me, I have to take care of myself. I have to make time for myself, for my spiritual growth, for improving my activity level, for just being. Sitting in your heart space and allowing yourself to just be, even for a few minutes is a beautiful thing anyone can do for themselves. Feel that divine spark in you. Feel the love and warmth that not only surrounds you, but is within you. Feel how awesome you are. What a beautiful being you are.

All the number on the scale has shown me is that I need to tweak something. There’s no need to get discouraged, just rethink things, or maybe just take a second look. Luckily, I have my Jenny consultant to help guide me. 

I think it’s time for a little Wii Fit :) Gotta start somewhere, and frankly it’s a little cold for this Floridian to be starting anything outdoors. 

Enjoy your weekend :)

Don't Measure Your Worth By the Number on a Scale

Earlier today I posted this cute little cartoon with two little girls staring at a scale when one says to the other “Don’t step on it, it will make you cry.” It was posted with a heart of silliness because I grew up around women who struggled with their weight (as well as mine) and it was all about being skinny. Being skinny meant you were beautiful, and being beautiful meant you would get boyfriends. At least that was what they tried to tell me as they were feeding me a plate of seconds. 

My weight didn’t bother me all that much. As long as I could play, it was just a number. I didn’t have any trouble water skiing, kneeboarding, jet skiing, swimming, running around, playing basketball, playing beach volleyball, dancing, singing, marching, rehearsing for hours on end. As long as I had the energy and stamina to do everything I wanted to do I was fine. As boy crazy as I have always been, I always preferred the relationships that only existed in my mind. The real ones didn’t last very long and it all became a frustrating process. As long as it was all in my head, it was completely under my control. Boyfriends were a pain in the butt, I was better off fat, happy and single. Sure I felt worthless, ugly, dirty, gross, stupid, clumsy, but my weight wasn’t the reason why. It made a good scape goat, but there losing it didn’t fix anything. One summer I was put on Fen Fen. My weight plummeted over those 3 months. I went back to school and everyone was making all of these comments about how great I looked, blah, blah, blah. It meant very little to me. I didn’t feel any different at all. I still felt ugly and unlovable. It wasn’t enough to please who I was trying to please. It didn’t make me a girlie girl. I was just a thinner tomboy. It didn’t change the guys I attracted, either. My guyfriends were great, but outside of them there was really no one worth the trouble of dating. It didn’t change the fact that when I did take a date to an event, I lost him by the end of the night. Heck, even my guyfriends weren’t immune. I lost one of my closest guyfriends to one of those. He felt like crap afterwards and we were never the same.

My point being, skinny does not equal happy. Skinny will not fix all of your problems. If you don’t love and accept your body as it is, you will not love and accept it after you change it. The change has to come from within. 

I have been on a pretty intensive healing journey for the past 4 years. The first thing I had to work on was changing my thought patterns. Learning to love myself was really hard at first. I had been discouraged, for a lot of my life up that point, from thinking I was someone of any value. I had to look in the mirror every day and keep telling my self how beautiful and amazing I am until I believed it. It took years, but about a years ago, for the first time ever, I referred to myself as beautiful and really meant it. By a strange twist of fate, it happened while I was at the heaviest I had ever been. Over the past 4 years I have, not only learned to love myself, but accept myself. The beauty I was able to see in myself was not just in my body, but in my character. I learned to love, accept and appreciate all of me, past experiences included. Sure, they may have hurt then, and some that I haven’t dealt with, yet, may still hurt now, but they all had their place and purpose. I’ve learned to cry, to mourn, to allow myself to feel, and to allow myself to be vulnerable without fear. It has all been life changing. I no longer prefer the relationships in mind to the real thing. I am an affectionate person by nature, and now it is something i don’t hesitate to share. I, also, don’t hesitate to ask for affection if I want it. 

I am surrounded by the most loving, supportive, fun, positive group of people that make it near impossible for me to ever doubt I have value. There are a few haters, but they do not have active rolls in my life. As Aixa always tells me, “if you don’t have any haters than you are doing something wrong.” With that being said, I count everyone as a blessing. Even the haters can forge growth and expansion, but nothing can change your life like love can.

It was the love of life and the love of myself that has led me to the weight loss portion of my journey. All along the way I had begun a process to try to eat healthier, but I had hit a road block and wasn’t really sure where to go from there. I reached out and am getting the help I need to lose the weight and gain the strength and agility back so that I can fully live life, again. 

Loving yourself starts within. When you learn to love yourself, you will be more inclined to take care of yourself.